I’ve been feeling… tired recently. Energized over stuff on the site, but almost every minute I could be doing something extra, I’m out. I’m asleep. And now when I’m awake, I feel just fucking exhausted. Like at any moment, anywhere, when I’m not trying to stay awake, I could just fall asleep where I sit. Not in the car, though, I’m too frightened of ever getting in an accident to let that happen. But this tired thing… It’s like I’m making up for all the lost sleep from the past few months. I can’t explain it.
In some ways, it’s great. I mean I get to lie in my bed, stare up at the cieling and ponder about all those things I sometimes don’t give myself time enough to ponder. Things I like to think about and things I hate dwelling on. The good and bad. And then at the epitome of my conscious wandering, I drift into the sweet realms of subconscious. This is equally enticing and terrifying at the same time. Along with the whole tired thing, when I dream, I remember those dreams… and they feel so real. Sometimes I wake up and look around just to remind myself…
I blame the Sandman.
School can always be better. I can always do so much better. I really think there’s something fucked up inside of my head. I have potential to do so much more than even I can probably imagine at this moment, but that drive to actually go there is fucking messed up. What is wrong? What’s that fucking piece I need? Sometimes I think I’ve found it, but I just found something else to distract me.
What’s the truth of it anyways? In all rights and practices, this website, this one, the one I like to put interesting little pictures and points up on, is my godsend. I honestly believe that in the course of completing this place, I will discover what I truly want and will do for the rest of my life. Is making comics a distraction from that? I don’t think so. I think comic books, illustrated stories, and amatuer scripts are my gateway to achieving my long awaited goals. Photography, graphic design, creative writing, I want to learn and know all of these things. Not know how to do them, but really know them like an assassin knows death or a cop knows that gut cop instinct is right, because if they can’t trust thier gut, they got no use living at all.
In essence, webcomics and the ever-so-lovely paper comics by DC, Marvel, Dark Horse, and Image/Top Cow are my gateways to percieving a literal and visual world that can only be amplified by moving picture, music, and the power of spoken word over the art of the written kind. It’s no secret that I love comics, movies, and music, but what some people see as the distraction in my life, I see as the beacon of hope to achieve a place amongst those already at the top.
I dream of sitting in a convention hall with greats at my shoulders pondering “How did I get here?” I envision a soundstage with a director’s chair with my name on it. I see myself sitting or standing in front of guests at a film festival, or a concert hall, or at a webcomics panel watching people wait for my answers.
The problem before was that all I’d do is sit there and dream… Dream and do nothing. The website was a great leap of faith invested in a journey of predominantly made up of baby crawls. I’ve come so far, developed so much, but to have this cache of talent and skill ready and the years of heavy thought, deliberation, and strategizing go to waste?
I think not.
Say what you will about my art, about me, about my compatriots, my style, taste, and views, but in the end, I still can enjoy myself lying awake and dreaming knowing full well that taking at least one step towards success is far more fulfilling than any failure could ever attempt to bring down. I’m more of a success now than ever before, and there’s not a single entity who can stop me from ever wanting to keep hope alive and move forward.
If I died tomorrow, I’d consider my life incomplete, but worthy to call a success. And that’s more than goddamn good enough for me.
argo. (mtc)